Let the subject line serve as a small disclaimer. What I am about to write about will be considered blasphemy by most people, even me. Why write it then? Easy, because it needs to be presented. We live in a time where nothing is sacred and there is no end to atrocities committed. I’m speaking of Hollywood and the plague of remakes. I do believe that movies should not be remade because I know there are creative people out there with original ideas. We should not have to dust off an older title, recast it with new actors, and sell it to the viewing public. If the younger generation wants to see that movie let them watch the DVD.
That said, it occurred to me the other day that it is only a matter of time until Hollywood gets around to remaking movies that I love and still watch to this day. “Escape from New York” is in the works, but we already knew that John Carpenter's work was not safe from this sickness. Who is? No one. Not even John Hughes. This all came from a brief conversation at work that put my brain to work. If they were to remake the timeless John Hughes films that I love. Whom would they cast? It started out as a joke with me picking a “nightmare cast” but then I became intrigued with the idea and tried to seriously pick a cast I felt would make the movie interesting. Before I get to the list, keep in mind that these are young actors, with major successes under their belt. Just because you dislike, say “Twilight”, does not mean the actors have no talent. Film Snobs piss all over movies based on who is in them (I am guilty of this too). Now, are the following casts perfect? No, but they can’t be because they aren’t the original cast. So, here it goes. Get the Kleenex ready, keep the death threats to a minimum, and prepare to have your world shattered.
Let’s start with my favorite –
“The Breakfast Club”
John Bender (Judd Nelson) – Rob Pattinson. Say what you will but he can act, and with the draw this guy has Hollywood would not hesitate to put him in the role of the bad boy.
Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez) – Zac Efron.
Brian Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall) – Chris Colfer. Just watch Glee (I haven’t) This kid could pull it off.
Allison (All Sheedy) – Miley Cyrus. Ok, I just want to see her play a messed up emo chick.
Claire (Molly Ringwald) – Felicia Day. I struggled to find a fair skinned, red haired actress for this role. I looked through my twitter feed and saw a post from Felicia and it dawned on me. She would be perfect. So, from now on, any Molly Ringwald character for these remakes, I will choose Felicia Day.
Principal Vernon – J.K. Simmons. I just enjoy every performance of his.
Carl the janitor – Justin Long. After seeing his strange characters in Zack and Miri, Old Dogs, and that Sasquatch Dumpling gang movie, I think he could bring a little twisted to this character and make him creepy.
Another great (or not-so-great) thing about this cast is - look at all of them - they can sing! That means the soundtrack could have a cast version of “(Don’t You) Forget About Me.”
Gary – Chris Colfer.
Wyatt – Christpher Mintz – Plassse
Chet – Neil Patrick Harris
Hilly – Ashley Green
Deb – Taylor Swift
Max – Adam Brody
Ian – Thomas Decker
Lisa – Megan Fox. I saved her for last so maybe I could build up to the groans and gags. Think about it though, aside from porn stars, who would two geeks choose as the model for their perfect woman? And for the mutant gang of bikers that come in later, Hollywood should use some horror actors (like Michael Berryman in the original) such as Derek Mears and Tyler Mane. Maybe Henry Rollins could be the leader.
Samantha – Felicia Day.
Grandma – Betty White. She’s already felt up Sandra Bullock in The Proposal, why not do it again for this movie? Can you honestly pick a funnier woman to be crazy grandmother?
The Geek – Chris Colfer. The great thing about Brat Pack movies is you cast one, and you basically have the casts for the others.
Jake Ryan – Liam Hemsworth
Long Duk Dong – Justin Chon. This kid was in the Twilight Saga, and while he is funny in it at times, he is not off the wall funny like this character. I say give him a chance to see how absurd he can be.
“Pretty in Pink”
Andie – Felicia Day
Ducky – Jonah Hill. Now, he is no John Cryer but can you picture a better actor to be stuck as the quintessential best friend that will not get the girl he wants? Also, I think hearing Jonah go off on the rich kids would be brilliant.
Iona – Drew Barrymore. I love Drew Barrymore and I am proud to say it. When I thought of this character I wanted to pick someone that would be able to play an edgy older sister/ mother role. Drew is it.
Steff – Jackson Rathbone. Yes, another Twilight actor. Did you know he is supposed to be playing infamous Death Metal performer and murderer Varg Vikernes in the movie “Lords of Chaos.” Some acting talent will be needed there I’m sure. Can he play a sleezeball? I think so.
Blane – Taylor Kitsch.
Jack, the father – Zack Galifiankis. I think he can make the hopeless mess of a father a little more hopeless and a lot more of a mess. Would make for some laughs.
These casting choices are far from complete, but they are the characters that were first in my mind. The other characters could be played by anyone else. Disappointed I didn’t put Michael Cera in there anywhere? Sorry. Do you have alternatives? Let me know. Oh, and Hollywood, if you see this I have tons of ideas for these remakes, ways to stay true to the original and re-envision it. Call me, and pay me lots of money!
Last Quote - Bickford Scmeckler's Cool Ideas
Today's Quote - "No more yanky my wanky. Donger needs food."